Shame vs. Guilt

Shame

Shame is a toxic emotion.

It’s an attack on the self: “I am….. bad, worthless, a failure, unlovable, etc”

Shame is self-loathing, discounting one’s own achievements, feeling less-than, incapable, unworthy of being loved or loving, helpless, hopeless, etc.

Shame fuels rage reactions to perceived slights or threats of rejection or abandonment

with:

• Physically or verbally lashing out against others

• Lashing out at one’s self (suicidal thoughts/actions, eating disorders, self-harming, depression, anxiety)

Shame is pervasive, coloring every aspect of our lives and relationships.

We heal when we bring shame out in the open and recognize where it came from.

We show empathy for our suffering self.

We work to heal the wounds of false beliefs about the self that have been causing shame to fester though self-acceptance

What causes us to develop feelings of Shame?

Shame comes from the experience early in childhood of abuse/trauma, and /or neglect.

• Denigration: “You’re so stupid, you’re just a failure, you’ll never amount to anything", etc.

• Physical aggression: hitting, slapping, jerking the child around, pushing, spanking, etc.

• Neglect: When adults fail to notice the child, act like they don’t matter, or dismiss their feelings as unimportant or worthless.

The message conveyed by the parent is “I don’t like/love you.”

The child internalizes the message that they are worthless and unlovable.

The child internalizes the message that they don’t exist.

Guilt

Guilt is a healthy emotion.

Guilt is a healthy emotion because it motivates a positive action. Feeling guilty motivates the person to take accountability for their own actions. The person recognizes that they have done something that hurt another person, taken an action that was wrong, made a mistake that was harmful in some way.

Feeling guilt leads us to make apology to others and to ourselves for our behavior.

Once we’ve made an apology we have freed ourselves of feelings of guilt because we have

done what we needed to do to make amends.